1. |
my left thumb a question
01:17
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i was at the roadside for hours
hundreds of cars must have passed
my left thumb a question, my presence an invitation
smiling at strangers in safety-glass cages
the more busy eyes i saw unmeeting mine
and untrusting, i understand, lacking the time
the more it felt right to be asking and looking
asking and forgiving myself
and every stranger who told me no
blessed with precious patience
and blessed with precious time
grateful for the waiting for somebody to let me inside
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2. |
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for my eighteenth birthday i was given a robe
soft and dark blue, so big i would never grow into it
and there have been many grand plans for me
and there are so many places i want to be
but i could never tear myself in seven just to be alive
just to be alive
when this winter chill crawled up my spine i learned to compromise
slowly, babey, hibernating, the world is bigger than i
and there have been many grand plans for me
and there are so many places i want to be
but i could never tear myself in seven just to be alive
just to be alive
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3. |
death in the woods
03:04
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we felled a tree last week
and today with our axes we bit out chunks as tall as me
i bit my own hand cutting her up
the teeth of the saw the wrong side of the trunk
my eyes peeled for the blood in the dust
bodies near, drawn here by my wanderlust
and the mist in the air mixed with breath without breeze
over hills and rivers and autumnal leaves
are my shrine and my checklist of how to be good
and all i can see is
death in the woods
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4. |
vessel
01:53
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oh wash me away
i was lost in a river of energy and i
was nothing the same
everything flowing through me
everything, nothing is me
oh wash me away
lose me in, lose me in, lose me in everything
i was just a vessel
oh wash me away
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5. |
the hand
01:00
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there was a hand on my back
reinforcing me, or was it some strange iteration of me
i don't know
there was a hand on my back
holding me down, holding me still
holding me
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6. |
smoke trixx
00:59
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i used to hang out
in this vape cafe
mei yi'd take pics
of us learning smoke tricks
and on the walk home we'd be flirting all the way
i used to escape
up on to my roof
up the steps
and with my cassettes
where i could watch the skyline and feel apart from it
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7. |
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and i guess
this has happened before
i shouldn't freak out
just stay calm, just stay bored
and besides
what do i have to give?
i've got money to make, i've got meds to take
i've got a life to live
whenever i go online to speak to faraway friends
the ecoanxiety has got me, i'm spiralling
facebook says this is the end
and i don't know how
to think about it
most of the time
i get so overwhelmed
all i can do is break down and cry
and i don't know how
to think about it
most of the time
i'm so young
why's this responsibility mine?
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8. |
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last time i was at the beach
a mother left her daughter
by the water, in the sleet
they embraced each other and then got in their cars
raincoats wet, smoking cigarettes and thinking hard
oh it's hard being apart
mama had to visit 'cause babey won't go home in the dark
the salt on their faces and the salt in the sea
i looked out across it
and it brought u closer to me
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9. |
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this hidden and almost-whole moon
barely dressed in anything at all
a barefooted wonder
young, too, and dancing
always at other people's parties
she laughs and glows
a compliment at any elbow
bold and angular
and moving in circles
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10. |
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i'm so empty
from all the talking i have done
and my hands are unheld
i have yet to unbecome
all these plastic ties attached to me
i'll try to melt their ends together
cut them close to my skin
match them up and hope they fall in love forever
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11. |
better (for me)
03:52
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oh it's not me you want
you have just turned upon
anyone you can
raise your voice to
and it's not me who hurt you
i just happen to
love you enough to sit through it
get better
be better for me
take some responsibility
i am not your
saviour
or your punching bag
watch yourself, babey
before i'm just another
heart you wish you still had
get better
be better for me
take some responsibility
i am not your
saviour
or your punching bag
watch yourself, babey
i don't need another
man in my life
just like my [redacted]
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12. |
then
01:37
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not since then
not since then
have i danced with someone like that again
not since then
not since then
not since then
have i danced with someone who knew when
to hold and treasure, let go and then
be alone for a moment, and watch his own hands
i close my eyes and turn around
and trace my feet across the ground
alone for a moment, until moved again
i lift with my hips those that i understand
or else hold gently, return to the land
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13. |
lost without my religion
01:45
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but these poems
reading them feels like knowing myself
i feel small and helpful
like flies on a crocodile's eyes
and i think i understand now
with an observation from outside
we were strong together, got along together
well
now am i lost without my religion?
(sitting at the breakfast, the dinner table
i would help you, my sister, if i was able
teach me to love, teach me to sing, teach me to dance
teach me to make treasures from sticks in my hands)
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mzii England, UK
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