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We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

BAD BOY FANTASIES

by mzii

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1.
sad_boyz 03:07
i'm sick of the sad boys stuck in their own noise i'd take a bad boy anyday but when the bad boys act out and destroy the things that you loved what can you say? give me some punk fuzz to listen to while i buzz cut my hair off is this what all the girls do? googling stick'n'poke tattoos cause i'll b so broke from the wad i blew on swish vegan shoes hypersurreal dreams of u falling asleep with a view of the blue skies as saturated as i find oh i'm glad that i found u talk to me all night until the sunlight is burning ur skin like liquid nitrogen we fall in love so slowly and god i'd be so lonely if it weren't for all the 'i'm glad i found u's and the art i let u choose hypersurreal dreams of u falling asleep with a view of the blue skies as saturated as i find
2.
you gave me a room and i filled it with orange and yellow and blue and pieces of my heart and a life i wanted to live and i wrote on the windows and put up drawings of my body on the walls and rainbow teapots on the windowsill filled with pens my best friend had used to colour in the numbers on my clock so my time here would be more mine and i brought back mud, caked to my boots, from a place i loved and grew to this sacred room, filled with orange and yellow and blue and pieces of my heart messy and glorious and excited to be here because this is where i sleep and this is where i dream and this is where i keep myself alive
3.
when you called me weeks ago and told me that if i could hold a greater capacity for forgiving myself it would probably improve my mental health i was sat by the edge of a tidal river the banks overwhelmed as the water drew nearer and the dark closed around me like a warm mouth i was rolled on the tongue and sung to about how love loving is easy when you can choose it in small pieces and the tears on my face kissed away by the rain the tenderest kind that acknowledges pain of both mine and the man’s who asked me the time who spoke of love and left me crying and the dark curled around me like a warm cat i walked home alone and took comfort in that i gazed across the river again and laughed out loud, it was like losing my name because love loving is easy when you can choose it in small pieces because love
4.
sweet grief 02:18
your smile and your laugh visited me this evening, as i drifted in front of my fire, the ground freezing hard outside. you are imprinted close on me, and there is a sweet grief to that, more love than loss. your taste of magic is missing in my life for now, that sharp-bright-queer fairy-being a distant gladness. there is an earthed excitement in me.
5.
i’m still writing letters sometimes someone gets some of my better-spent time i know my edges are receding i can’t keep my fingers in so many pies (keep my fingers in so many pies) (with all this staying inside, we’re all staying inside) and i’ve taught myself to knit in the round it feels like some lost treasure i’ve found i’m admiring all the knitwear i meet but there’s guilt somehow in all the sitting down (there’s guilt somehow in all the sitting down) (with all this hanging around, all i’m doing is hanging around) i should be bettering myself my friends are working out skateboarding all around the empty town i should be bettering myself when will i learn to make sourdough if not now? better and better and bettering bettering bettering i’m still writing letters sometimes
6.
i don’t want to have a debate, i want a conversation i don’t want to keep you from the whole i want your liberation i don’t want an easy fix, no i want to heal and help us both grow love is as love does and we are so far apart in letters written and poems read in video calls and you can choose how much you want to give to me and i can tell you what i need but you don’t get to decide if you’re enough for me

about

by 'bad boy fantasies', i mean the urge to be different to what people expect you to be.

i mean it in an explicitly trans way.

(this pic is of my partner when he was a kid with long hair, wearing pink, called by a different name. )

i mean the gift and necessity of challenging what we take for granted.

i mean make the world you want to live in, babey.

i mean be your own bad boy.

credits

released March 23, 2021

words of sweet grief - alex t.

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about

mzii England, UK

fresh organic beats from ur local music nerd

@smooshyberry on insta

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